


00:00

by buckyismymainman



Series: Avengers Oneshots [73]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Some Fluff, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29705673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckyismymainman/pseuds/buckyismymainman
Summary: Y/N hasn’t been around the Tower and the others are worried.  Steve and Bucky know what’s been going on with her, but they’re reluctant to tell the others because it’s up to Y/N to divulge that.  In the end will she turn to the rest of her friends and open up about what’s really going on?
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Series: Avengers Oneshots [73]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1314041
Kudos: 4





	00:00

Tony was the first to notice the difference in Y/N. She didn’t come by his and Bruce’s lab to pester them with endless questions. Her visits went from hours sitting on the countertops to thirty minutes in a chair to a few minutes by the door and then nothing. It was beginning to worry him so he brought it up to the others. **  
**

Natasha and Wanda noted the same behavior from their friend. Wanda hadn’t even seen the other woman at the Tower in over a week. Y/N practically lived there at this point despite not being an Avenger.

Bucky stood back and chewed on his cheek. Sam noticed and nudged him, “What?”

All eyes turned to Bucky and he sighed, he knew the team wasn’t going to be happy about what he was going to say, but there was no hiding it now. “She’s going through something. Me and Steve have been keeping an eye on her but she’s not in a good headspace right now.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?!” Tony roared when Bucky finished. 

Bucky had expected this. He and Steve had been taking turns checking on her. Steve was there with her right now. “We just got her to open up. Do you really think we were gonna betray her trust and have y’all barging over to her apartment and demanding things from her?”

Tony fell silent, he may not like it but Bucky had a point. The others stayed silent. “We’ll give her space but only if you and Steve give us updates,” Natasha said at last. 

“I can do that,” Bucky promised. 

Across town, Steve sat across from Y/N watching her as she watched the rain fell steadily through the sky and landed on the fire escape out the window. She wondered if it would be humid after the rain stopped and the sun came out. It was summer so probably. 

There was a flash of lightning and then a loud clap of thunder. Y/N didn’t flinch at the sound even though it sounded close. Steve sighed, “Y/N, please. Say something.” He wanted to do anything to bring her out of the funk she had found herself in.

She turned her attention away from the rain to stare at Steve. She knew that he was there but hadn’t really registered that he was. She had been so lost in her own mind that she hadn’t realized how long it had been since he had stopped by. 

“I don’t feel like talking,” her voice was soft and not its usual tone. “I know you’re worried and that the others are worried but I’m just not ready.”

“I just want to understand,” he pleaded. 

“Vulnerability isn’t something I like to show. Don’t take it personally, Steve. It’s just how I’m hardwired.” She had been this way since she was a kid, preferring to keep her darker emotions bottled up and hidden. She was the person other people went to with their problems and she hated feeling like a burden to her friends. 

“Well that isn’t good for you, clearly whatever is wrong is bothering you and I just want to help,” Steve said gently as he took one of her hands in his. “Bucky sent me a text and said Tony called a meeting they’ve all noticed you distancing yourself and now they’re worried.”

Y/N growled in frustration and pulled her hand from Steve’s, covering her face and shaking her head. “See! This is what I didn’t want. But you and Bucky had to stick your nose where it didn’t belong,” she lashed out.

When she looked up Steve could tell how alone and frightened she was. He stood up and went over to her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her as all the emotions she had been keeping hidden finally made their appearance. He rocked her gently and rubbed her back as her tears stained his shirt. He wasn’t sure how long she cried, but the sobs slowly turned into sniffles and he knew that she was done crying for now.

“Why don’t I go get us a pizza and we can talk?” He offered softly. 

Y/N nodded her head and let the super-soldier leave her apartment. She resumed her earlier position of staring out the window at the rain. Her thoughts trailing toward the darker part of her mind that she was scared of. Y/N had never really thought of herself as weak, and that’s why when she went through these dark periods they scared her and she shut herself off from others.

Y/N wasn’t a stranger to depression and suicidal thoughts. She had dealt with both in the past. She was never going to act on her suicidal thoughts. Those crept in when she was at her weakest; when she felt the lowest she could ever go. They were like a monster slumbering in her mind and when it sensed her weakness it awoke to torment her. Therapy helped and she was talking to her therapist now about it.

It was just opening up to her friends that was hard. They were the Avengers for crying out loud. They dealt with worse things than what she was dealing with. She knew Tony probably wouldn’t judge her for it, but it was still something she didn’t like to share.

Steve came back almost forty minutes later with a box of her favorite pizza. She slowly headed into the kitchen and slipped into a kitchen chair and watched as Steve got the plates down. He let her choose first and they ate in silence for a moment before Y/N sighed.

“I’ve been like this since I was a kid, bottling things up and not telling people. I talk to my therapist and she’s not worried about me right now, but I have all the numbers and stuff just in case. It’s just you guys are the Avengers, you have more important things to do than worry about little old me.”

Steve stared at her for a moment in complete silence, “Y/N, we’re not going to think less of you because of this. Do we look down on Tony? Or Nat when she has her bad days. What about Bucky? Or even Bruce? All of us have been in a dark place, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We care about you and we want to be there for you.”

She gave him a small smile and reached over to take his hand, “I know. It’s just the way my brain works.”

“Promise me that you’ll come to us from now on with this, I just want to make sure you have someone on your side to help fight these dark times you go through.”

Y/N nodded her head and squeezed his hand, “What would I do without you, Steve Rogers?”

He chuckled, “I don’t know, but I often wonder what I’d do without you too.”

They sat in silence and finished their respective pieces of pizza together. Steve left a few hours later promising to be back by the following day to check on her. He told her that Bucky would probably be with him.

Before Steve could go to Y/N’s apartment the following day she showed up in the tower. FRIDAY alerted everyone to her presence and when she stepped off the elevator they were all there staring at her. Her eyes widened and she clutched the strap of her bag. “Uh, hello.”

“Kid!” Tony broke away from the group and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly against him. It took a moment for her to react, but when she did she hugged him back, burying her face in his chest and just holding on for a moment.

The others slowly came over and hugged her as well, not saying anything about where she had been or why. Steve and Bucky had probably threatened them not to say anything about it. They could tell she still wasn’t a hundred percent okay, but after her talk with Steve she felt better, lighter even. The weight of her confession having lifted from her shoulders.

She was still going to have bad days, but she had friends that were there for her and loved her, and cared for her. They were willing to make her smile even when it felt impossible and for that she was grateful.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hey everyone. Okay so this story was… a lot. And normally I would do A/N at the beginning of the story but this was too long to do at there. First I want to say thank you for reading this. For choosing to take the time to read it and any of my fics. It means the world to me when I see the comments and likes and reblogs. It warms my heart.
> 
> Second I think this is the first time I’ve ever really projected myself onto one of my reader insert stories and that’s because this is super personal to me specifically. I still tried to keep it as neutral as possible as I do with all my stories. I want others to feel included but with this one it was harder because I technically wrote it for me.
> 
> What do I mean by this? I mean that I wrote this specific story just for me. It was a way to process my overwhelming feelings. One night 00:00 by BTS came on and I had been going through a lot at the time and I just broke down. That’s when the idea for this story came to mind and I just started to write.
> 
> I have anxiety and depression as well as contamination OCD. I’ve had them all for a while and about a year ago things just really got to me and I went to a dark place. I cut most of my friends off and I couldn’t write at all. I felt very lost. Thankfully I had a therapist and my best friend and my dad by my side. They helped me through the darkness and while I still have my bad days I am doing a lot better than I was.
> 
> I decided to share this story because maybe someone else needed it just as I needed to write it. I wrote it for those who understand the pain and loneliness. And I wrote it for that broken and dark place deep within my soul that comes out when I’m feeling most vulnerable.
> 
> If you are suffering please seek out help and please talk to someone. There are hotlines and anonymous apps and sources that are there for you to use. And just know there are others out there that understand.
> 
> Thank you for reading this long ramble of an author’s note and this story from a broken girl who was and is learning to heal herself. And I promise that my next story will be happier 😅.
> 
> Love your friendly neighborhood writer,
> 
> Emma 💜


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